


The Price You Pay

by ChibiPanda



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Blood, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Language, Minor Injuries, Vomiting, Yoo Kihyun-centric, minor blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-17 01:57:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14178060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibiPanda/pseuds/ChibiPanda
Summary: 'Once Kihyun managed to settle his chest, he lowered his palm and carefully walked to the speaker system and shut it off with his clean hand. He swallowed, cringing slightly, and grabbed his bag. With practiced ease, the bright-haired boy turned the lights out and locked the door, he then walked through the poorly lit hallway to the bathroom. The automatic lights flickered on as he entered and Kihyun neatly dropped the bag against the wall. Without glancing at his reflection, he began to rinse the flecks of blood off his hand then cupped the water and brought it to his mouth. The pink stained liquid disappeared down the drain and he dried his hands, swallowing again.'There is a price for everything, Kihyun knew what he had to give.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> To all who commented ~ THANK YOU SO MUCH <3 Chapter three is basically written already too <3 Hope you all have a great week <3

The sun was high in the sky, beaming down onto Seoul. It was brisk, spring had not yet fully established itself, but the ground had been clear of frost for the last couple weeks. The studio was empty, most people had left the building yesterday and not returned. The seven boys and their manager had been there early, seven in the morning, to run through their new choreography, but six had left around ten. Content with the Saturday morning rehearsal and glad to have the rest of the weekend to themselves. The other had been in one of the practice rooms since then.

 

Kihyun felt the telltale signs of exhaustion burn the edges of his throat as the song started again. He’d been working on their new album for the last six hours; mostly running over their new promotional song on repeat. The vocalist had managed to put in eight hours the day before, following their dance practice, and four the days before that. The others never seemed to question his absence, which brought Kihyun a sense of pride. To him, it meant they thought he was doing enough for the team, even if he disagreed with that assumption most days.

 

The song was about to cycle through once again, but Kihyun paused the melody before it even came to life. In the new silent room, his own movements began filling the empty space as his steps carried him to his discarded water bottle. The lukewarm liquid soothed some of the burning in his throat.

 

The heat that lingered felt good to Kihyun. It was a tangible thing, proof that he was still working towards his goal, working towards maintaining his place in the group. It was always worth the pain; always worth the struggle.

 

The water caught in his throat then causing his chest to convulse in an attempt at self-preservation. Kihyun fought the impulse, trying to prevent the inevitable pain it would bring, his eyes watered and a red flush filtered up to his neck and seemingly into his eyes. In the end, it was inevitable and he coughed. He tasted it before his vision cleared before the specks decorated the creases of his open hand; the metallic iron of blood.

 

Once Kihyun managed to settle his chest, he lowered his palm and carefully walked to the speaker system and shut it off with his clean hand. He swallowed, cringing slightly, and grabbed his bag. With practiced ease, the bright-haired boy turned the lights out and locked the door, he then walked through the poorly lit hallway to the bathroom. The automatic lights flickered on as he entered and Kihyun neatly dropped the bag against the wall. Without glancing at his reflection, he began to rinse the flecks of blood off his hand then cupped the water and brought it to his mouth. The pink stained liquid disappeared down the drain and he dried his hands, swallowing again.

 

Kihyun crouched down and pulled his phone out from the front pocket of his bag. It was just past four in the afternoon, about the perfect time to return to the dorms and start making dinner. Standing up, he fished a black face mask out of the same pocket and threw the bag over his shoulder, he then proceeded to leave the vacant building.  

 

A gust of wind pushed passed him as Kihyun opened the front door to the company, and he pulled the jacket closer to his body. He hid from the wind behind the archway leading to the street and brought up his phone. Suppressing another cough, he typed out a message to Hyunwoo asking if there were any requests for dinner and whether or not he was walking back to the dorms.

 

Hyunwoo must have been playing a game on his phone because his response came only seconds later. – _Jjigae? Something spicy sounds good on a day like today._ – Kihyun cringed at the thought of something spicy and salty rubbing up against his raw throat, but if the members wanted it then he might as well make it; it’s not like he has to eat it anyway.  – _Are you done then? I can let our manager know, he’ll swing by and pick you up._ –

 

Kihyun typed out a quick reply and asked for the manager to pick him at the store near the company. Then ducked his head against the wind and crossed the street to the local mart. The mart was well known for having Starship idols and trainees, luckily it seemed to be void of fans this afternoon. Grabbing a basket, he walked the aisles grabbing a few things he knew he needed for kimchi jjigae as well a pack of discount beef, some shrimp, and six sweet potatoes. He then left the food section and wandered into the pharmacy area. He easily found a throat numbing spray, to replace the one he knew was nearly empty back at the dorms, and went to check out.

 

A glance at his phone told him the manager would still be another fifteen minutes or more, so he made his way to a nearby bench and sat the bags down at his feet. Kihyun lowered the mask, which still covered his face, and after opening the new bottle of throat spray – sprayed a couple puffs into his mouth. He could feel the light tingle followed by the blissful numbness as he repositioned his mask.

 

The vocalist leaned back then, stretching slightly against the wooden frame of the bench, his toes hovering just above the ground brushing against the plastic bags. Kihyun remembered the first time he had worked his throat to this point. It had been years ago, during one of his individual vocal practices, the session had lasted hours and it hurt to even whisper. He remembers the sudden spike of utter panic when the red liquid streaked across the sheet music he had been holding, and the tears slowly running down his face. However, he also remembers his vocal coach laughing at his panic;

 

“What do you expect,” the older woman had barked through her laughter, “you want to be a singer? Suck it up!” Without a second glance, she moved her fingers back to the piano, “We are going to run it a few more times. Prove yourself. Suck it up, make me believe nothing is wrong.”

 

Since then, it had happened a few times; once before the final performance of No.Mercy and before nearly every comeback since. He hadn’t told the members. What was there to say? This was the price of being the main vocalist and he knew he had no right to complain about it. Especially since the management kept giving him so many parts.

 

Kihyun felt honored, he really did, but he also felt burdened by it. Not by the number of parts, nor the added length of time he needed to spend practicing or recording; that was par for the course. No, he felt burdened because he was taking the place of his members. Almost any of them could cover portions of what he was given, and some of them would do a beautiful job if given the chance. Kihyun knew they had to feel some resentment.

 

They didn’t hate him, at least not the kind of hate often described with flames and fire. Theirs was more of a constant aggravation he assumed; like hot coals ready to burst to life. And they did, combust, from time to time. Kihyun was alright with that, generally. He tried to change it, to put out the potential fires before they ignited. He had. At least with Hoseok and Changkyun, they seemed playful in their complaining. Hyunwoo was indifferent to it, or at least that was how it appeared most days. However the others – Jooheon, Hyungwon, and Minhyuk – they seemed to genuinely dislike him regardless of what he did. Not always.

 

Not always…They were grateful for his cooking and his cleaning. Nonetheless, sometimes Kihyun wondered if all those complaints they confessed to the cameras were more than conversation starters or playful banter.

 

Yet Kihyun loved them and if their fans liked it, liked the maybe real maybe playful animosity, he wasn’t going to complain too much. Or allow his heart to crack too cleanly.

 

Another gust of wind ruffled through, tousling what was visible of his newly orange hair, and causing the small framed boy to shiver. He pulled out his phone again.

 

One new message had arrived, about ten minutes ago – _Kihyunie you’re coming home soon, right? You have been practicing all day. We were supposed to have the weekend off…_ – The slightly older boy blinked twice trying to figure out why Hyungwon would have messaged him. “Must be hungry,” the vocalist muttered while typing – _Just waiting for our manager. Bought some shrimp to go with dinner too :)_ _–_ he smiled under his mask as he sent it off.

 

“Kihyun!”

 

“Coming!” upon seeing his manager, Kihyun grabbed the bags at his feet and hurried off to the waiting car.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all those who commented!! I read them, and I love them <3  
> Chapter 3 is basically already written too <3

The ride back to the dorm was subdued, as it often was when members were missing. Their manager didn’t speak to Kihyun during the rather short drive, which the orange haired boy was torn on. On one hand, it allowed his throat to rest, something that was going to be more challenging once he returned to the dorm and had to act normal. On the other hand, guilt settled into his body at the thought of dragging their manager away from relaxation since he had also had the day off.

 

When the pair arrived back at the dorms, Kihyun made sure to thank the older man and kindly refused the offer when asked if he needed help with the bags.

 

“I’m home!” Kihyun called out as he toed off his shoes, his throat still numbed by the medication he’d used earlier, and set his bag by neatly against the closed closet door.  

 

There was a moment before anyone responded, though there wasn’t silence. Kihyun could hear the repetitive clank of the exercise equipment coming from the living room and judging by the sound both Hyunwoo and Hoseok were there. He could also hear the light banter flooding out from behind one of the bedroom doors.

 

“Ki-hyung, you’re back,” Changkyun’s rich voice matched well with his dark hair and baggy sweats. “Were you practicing all day?” A note of confusion and something akin to mild alarm rang out from the question. The younger boy took the bags of food and led the way into the kitchen.

 

Kihyun followed closely behind, “I stopped to get some things for dinner.” Despite his best efforts to keep the strain out of his voice, even the vocalist could hear it eating away at the edges of his response.

 

Changkyun turned back towards him as he placed the bags down on the counter, “That wasn’t my question.” He muttered. “I will help you with dinner Hyung. Hyunwoo-hyung mentioned jjigae.”  

 

“You don’t have to help me Kkungie. You should be enjoying the day off.” Kihyun cleared his throat quietly, doing his best to suppress a grimace. He could feel the edges throb and wondered how long he had until the spray would slowly ware off. Briefly, he considered fetching the discarded backpack and giving his throat another couple doses of the liquid relief but decided dinner took priority. Besides, if he used the medicine too often he would run out too quickly.

 

Changkyun frowned, his voice pitched with moderate snark, “You’ve been practicing all day, I’ve been lounging around playing games; I did take it off.” The dark haired boy began emptying the contents of the plastic bags, carefully placing each item on the counter before quickly tossing the plastic into the nearby bin. He then looked towards the vocalist clearly intending to say something to the shorter man, but was interrupted by Hyungwon and Minhyuk who wrestled their way into the small room; Minhyuk holding the younger in an inescapable headlock.

 

“Kihyunie~ when will dinner be ready?” Minhyuk questioned plunging his voice into some unrecognizable song, he dragged Hyungwon further into the room with each note.

 

Kihyun chuckled soundlessly as he turned and walked towards the sink to wash his hands. He could hear the two boys continuing to bicker about something behind him. As he finished, the orange haired vocalist pulled down the dark face mask and addressed the question, “We are about to start just now,” he paused, “Minhyukie! Let Hyungwon breath please.” The request was added with no hints of actual alarm as he retrieved some extra ingredients from the fridge. “It will probably be about an hour or so.” He missed the exchange of looks the pair gave each other and how they shared them with the maknae, as he pulled the mask back into place. Whenever his throat bothered him, Kihyun found wearing a face mask worked to constantly remind him to take it easy.

 

Changkyun had managed to bring out the largest pot and one of the frying pans while the older members were talking. Once those were in place, he took it upon himself to switch on the electric kettle with the intent of making the smallest member of their family drink something warm for his clearly ailing throat.

 

There was a minute or two of relative silence, as ingredients were chopped with skilled hands and added to the pot. “Kihyunie, you’re not planning on practicing tomorrow again, are you?”

 

The vocalist hummed in response, only half listening as he tried to get all of the food going so that the others didn’t have to wait too long, “Kkungie, can you turn on the rice maker and maybe start cleaning the shrimp?” once the maknae nodded, the bright-haired boy turned towards the others, “I got some shrimp in case the jjigae ended up being too spicy for you again Hyungwonie, I hope that’s alright.” He then added the final ingredients to the pot and clicked on the stove before responding. “What was it that you asked?” Kihyun cringed slightly from behind the mask as his voice cracked. He cleared it before continuing, “Sorry. Hyungwon-ah, what was it you asked?”

 

There was a beat before the modelesque member spoke again, “I was asking if you were planning on practicing tomorrow.”

 

Minhyuk’s voiced intruded shortly thereafter before the lead vocalist could respond, “I know some of your parts are rather challenging this comeback,” the blonde paused, clearly preparing to add a ‘but.’

 

However, the slightly younger boy didn’t pick up on Minhyuk’s intentions and began to respond somewhat hastily, “I wasn’t planning on it,” he faltered. While he had not been planning on practicing again on Sunday, in order to allow his voice some time to heal, he wasn’t sure what Minhyuk and Hyungwon meant by their questioning. Were they simply curious or were they hinting that he should be practicing tomorrow? Hyungwon’s question had appeared to be rather straightforward to Kihyun, but then Minhyuk hinted at the vocalist needed more practice. If they felt the orange haired boy wasn’t prepared for the comeback and needed to work harder, he was not going to argue. While his opinion was always going to be biased; if Kihyun noticed his personal flaws and struggles, then the others certainly knew about those things and more.

 

Kihyun turned back to the stove as he continued, and fiddled with the dials, once again missing the exchange of looks and the flash of relief that shown in Minhyuk’s light smile. The short boy added a few additional pieces of kimchi before continuing, “But, I suppose a bit more practice wouldn’t hurt…” his voice tapered off, eyes never leaving the task.

 

There was a sound of dismay that escaped Hyungwon, though it was overshadowed by the growing voices stretching in from the living room. “That’s not what I…” his soft voice was also buried beneath the arriving hyungs.

 

“Something is starting to smell good~” Hoseok called as he and Hyunwoo gathered with the others in the kitchen, both dressed in loose-fitting gym attire having clearly worked out more than necessary.

 

Their leader ruffled Minhyuk’s hair as he made his way closer to the food, attempting to get a bit early.

 

“I know…”

 

“Want some tea Ki-hyungie,” Changkyun interrupted, handing Kihyun a craft filled with slightly sweet lemon tea.

 

The older boy was surprised, but smiled thankfully and took the craft, “Thank you Changkyunie.” He took a sip, relishing in the relief it brought, then continued, “I know everyone’s hungry, but it’s going to be another half hour at least,” he then motioned for the maknae to pass over the meat and newly cleaned shrimp, Kihyun lightly shoved the leader – earning an eyeless smile – before placing the last parts of the meal onto their respective burners. “Why don’t you and Hoseok-hyung go shower.” He suggested as the meats began to sizzle.   

 

“Your throat hurt?”

 

Though Hoseok’s question was directed at the vocalist, he was not the one who reacted. In fact, he effortlessly stirred the jjigae and began to adjust the seasoning with practiced hands.

 

The others, however, seemed to be simultaneously caught off guard and relieved by the question. Clearly grateful they did not have to ask it. Kihyun’s perfectionist attitude was often a point of concern within the group, and his unwillingness to admit when he was struggling was another.

 

Hyunwoo’s lips pouted slightly, frustrated that the question needed to be asked at all. “Does your throat hurt, Kihyun?”

 

The boy in question gave a dismissive hum, “it’s fine. If anyone is planning on showering before dinner I’d suggest doing that.” Kihyun punctuated his comment by looking Hyunwoo directly in the eyes, once the elder backed down and started retreating to the bathroom – Hoseok in toe – Kihyun continued, “Where is Jooheonie?”

 

“Working on lyrics in the bedroom,” Changkyun answered shifting awkwardly on his feet.

 

Kihyun smiled, “Thanks again for the tea Kkungie.” He ran a hand down the rapper’s arm. “We all don’t have to stand in the kitchen. Why don’t you guys get the table set up and make sure Jooheon knows dinner is coming, yeah?”

 

Minhyuk and Hyungwon stood there for a minute longer, observing the short orange hair boy at the stove before leaving. The sound of more bickering retreated with them.

 

“Did practice go well?” Changkyun leaned up against the counter, allowing the steam from the cooking rice to heat his back.

 

Kihyun looked towards the other boy and smiled before nodding, “I think it went really well.” He took a long drink of his tea while using his left hand to stir the jjigae, “still some parts I need to work on, of course, but it will get there.”

 

There was another lull in the conversation, the dorm generally quiet as members did their respective tasks. The occasion metallic clank of the table being moved and the soft boiling sound of the jjigae filling most of the silence.

 

After a few minutes Changkyun spoke, “Hey, why don’t I stir and keep an eye on the meat while you change out of those clothes?” already taking the wooden spoon from the vocalist's hands.

 

The maknae looked too hopeful for Kihyun to say no, “The beef should be almost done. Once it is, turn off the heat and keep it covered. The shrimp is already done, so no need to do anything there.”

 

“Yeah, I know. Get going hyung.”

 

It didn’t take long for Kihyun to retrieve his bag from the front door or change into more relaxed clothes, but by the time he returned to the kitchen, the maknae had managed to finish everything. Together they brought all the food out to the waiting tables the others had set up earlier.

 

“Looks so good! Thank you Kihyunie~” Hyunwoo’s chopsticks were into the pile of meat before the other members even managed to express their thanks.

 

Kihyun sat back. Watching the others enjoy the food he made always brought him a fulfilled feeling like he was an important piece of the Monsta X puzzle on and off stage. Suddenly a weight collided against his left side.

 

“Kihyun-hyung, the shrimp are really good!” Hyungwon pressed his lips together, a thing Kihyun never knew if he found cute or ugly, “Thank you~”

 

“Get off me,” he coughed lightly trying to cover it up with a laugh. “I want to eat too, you string bean.” Kihyun playfully shoved the tall pink haired boy off of him and grabbed a bowl of rice. He lowered the face mask and with a smirk shoved a large spoonful into his mouth.

 

Friendly banter, some kimchi on the floor, and a broken chopstick later the seven had demolished their meal. They were just in the process of cleaning up, really Kihyun was in the process of cleaning up with Hyunwoo and Changkyun’s help when the door opened.

 

“Kihyun-ah, a word.”

 

The vocalist paused mid-dish and set the bowl down in the sink, rinsing his hands of soap and drying them on the nearby towel, he turned to face their manager who had returned.

 

Hyunwoo was also eyeing the older man curiously. Their manager had said he would be going to visit family and leaving them alone tonight.

 

“I know it’s already getting kind of late,” it had just struck seven minutes before his arrival, “but the CEO has requested that you come back to the studio to record an OST for a new drama. The PD doesn’t think it should take too long for you to learn and record, maybe a few hours max.”

 

Kihyun nodded, “just let me change and grab my bag.”

 

“Ki, wait. Hyung,” Hyunwoo looked towards the older man. “Can’t Kihyunie record tomorrow? Or Monday?”

 

“I’m sorry Hyunwoo-ah, but the drama is supposed to air Monday. It is a last minute thing.”

 

“But…”

 

“It’s fine Hyunwoo-hyung.” Kihyun smiled his mask already off and in his pocket, as he walked towards the bedroom.

 

Jooheon raised his head as the orange haired boy entered, “Going to bed early Hyung?” the rapper’s voice was light, almost hopeful. “I can work in the living room.”

 

The blonde was already collecting his notes when the vocalist spoke up, “no, no. I have to go record.” He gave the younger a smile, changed back into the discarded clothes from earlier.

 

“Record? But it’s late and we have the day off.”

 

“It’s a last minute thing.” The vocalist pulled his throat spray out of the bag at his feet and shoved it into his pants pocket, “Don’t stay up too late Jooheonie.”

 

“Don’t use your voice too much, Hyungie,” Jooheon responded before returning to his notes.

 

“Ready Kihyun?” Their manager questioned as the orange haired boy reentered the living room.

 

Kihyun nodded and turned to the door. He pulled on his shoes and looked over his shoulder before following their manager out the door, “Don’t wait up for me.”

 

~~~

 

The song was not that hard to learn, though practicing it was rather painful, and Kihyun was able to get it down in just a couple hours. When it came time for recording, at eleven-fifteen that night, the singer made sure to douse his throat with numbing spray before starting. After another fifty minutes, he was finally free. Even with the spray, his throat burned fiercely and for the entire drive home Kihyun tried desperately to suppress his coughing; to varying degrees of success. The metallic taste of blood seemed to be constantly present in his mouth.

 

The group’s manager made sure the vocalist made it up to the dorm, before bidding farewell, “Rest well Kihyun-ah. I’ll be back Monday.”

 

Kihyun waved, opting not to speak. Once the older man was out of sight, he entered the pin and opened the door to the dorm. Unsurprisingly the room was dark and silent. The vocalist flicked on the nearest light, removed his shoes, and headed for the bedroom. He worked as quietly as possible, changing his clothes once again, and went to brush his teeth.

 

The bathroom was well lit once the light was on, and Kihyun didn’t have to fear that the light might wake the members. He cupped water in his hands and brought it to his mouth, swished it gently, and spat it back into the sink. Unlike this afternoon when the water was tinted pink, it was colored bright red. Kihyun groaned and rolled his head back, coughing as the liquid slowly ran down his throat. He quickly leaned over the sink again, spitting out the new blood with each cough. He sighed, rinsed his mouth again, and then brushed his teeth.

 

He silently made his way bad to the bedroom he shared and went to climb up the ladder to his bunk. As he reached the top, he saw the craft from earlier; _~Ki-hyungie~ Here is some more tea for you! I hope recording went well. Sleep in tomorrow.~_ The note brought a smile to the ailing vocalist, and despite having just brushed his teeth, he gratefully took a drink of the still hot liquid. Carefully, he placed the closed craft near his pillow and laid down.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Specks of dulled dried rusty red littered the white wall and pale blue pillow, drops of still bright crimson liquid were slowly seeping into edges of the fabric nearest the maknae."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the comments! It always brightens my day! Hope everyone enjoys the chapter!
> 
> *WARNING: LANGUAGE*

Changkyun was a light sleeper. It had taken him months to really get used to sleeping with a group of guys in the same room and even then there were times when he was awakened pointlessly. When the maknae’s eyes first opened he thought that the sound had been part of his dream and that the glowing sun had actually caused him to wake. Another cough brought him further into consciousness. He shifted his gaze to the figure on the upper bunk across from his own. “Ki-hyung,” he called out thickly.

 

When no reply came the dark-haired rapper sat up in an attempt to get a better look at his hyung. The smaller boy coughed a few more times and let out a pained whimper, though he was clearly still asleep. Curiosity and mild concern brought Changkyun to his knees as he strained his eyes to look at Kihyun’s face.

 

A sound must have come out of him, though the youngest was unaware of it, because Minhyuk gave a muttered response and Jooheon called out from beneath.

 

“Changie? What’s wrong?” The older rapper sat up as he spoke, rubbing his eyes. His voice rang through the room laced with equal parts concern and confusion.

 

The youngest didn’t answer, instead, he haphazardly climbed down the ladder – feet fumbling with the bottom rung.

 

The boy’s near fall, brought Jooheon to his feet, “Changie, What?” The blonde watched as the maknae stumbled over to the side of the other bunk, grip the edges, and peer over the side. The youngest let out another high-pitched distressed sound.

 

“What’s going on?” Minhyuk rolled onto his side with the question, not yet alarmed but clearly awaken by the maknae’s unusual behavior.

 

Jooheon cautiously moved towards the singers’ bunk and climbed a few steps up the ladder to see what had his friend so panicked.

 

“Shit…” The blonde rapper quickly lurched up the rest of the way onto his hyung’s bed, ignoring the continued whimper from the maknae and the rising hysteric questions from below.

 

Kihyun was still asleep, currently unaware of the growing fear within the room. His uncontrolled cough had been wreaking havoc on his injured throat throughout the night. Specks of dulled dried rusty red littered the white wall and pale blue pillow, drops of still bright crimson liquid were slowly seeping into edges of the fabric nearest the maknae.

 

Jooheon paused, eyes wide and fixated on the crusted blood that colored his friend’s lips and cheek. “Someone go wake up the others and get a phone,” he crawled up next to the sleeping boy, ignoring the movement from below, and he reached out to the other’s shoulder, “Kihyun-“

 

The orange haired member coughed again, adding more bright spots to the pillow, his eyes blinked open slowly, “Jooheon?” the name came out nearly soundless, “What’s the matter?”

 

“Oh my god!” Minhyuk suddenly screamed from the left. The eldest in the room was now standing next to Changkyun, staring at the scene through glistening eyes.

 

“Hyung, stop.” Jooheon raised a hand in an attempt to calm down his exuberant hyung, “go get some water and the others.” The rapper’s own voice steady but wet.

 

“Wha-“ Kihyun coughed again, fully awake thanks to the Minhyuk alarm – who had blinked twice at the rapper before bolting – he clenched his eyes shut only vaguely aware of the situation at that moment, “It’s fine.”

 

“Stop.” Jooheon pulled his hyung into a sitting position, leaning him partially up against the wall and against the rapper’s own side, then he looked towards the youngest, “Don’t cry Changie…” Jooheon could feel the vocalist tense up under his grasp. “It’s ok hyung.” He tried to sound reassuring, but just beneath the surface Jooheon was terrified. “Changie, grab that shirt from my bunk. I think,” loud voices began to echo into the room, “there is a bit of water left in that cup on the nightstand. Dip the shirt in there please.” The maknae did as he was asked, but then stood clueless once more, “hand it to me please,” Jooheon added just as Minhyuk returned. Hoseok and Hyungwon panicked at his heels.

 

“Kihyunie”

 

“Ki-hyungie.”

 

Jooheon shushed them gently and began carefully whipping the dried blood off the vocalist’s face with the dampened shirt. The older boy was awake but seemed to still be a bit confused by the commotion.

 

“What happened? Minhyuk said he was coughing up blood?”

 

“We need to get to the hospital or something!”

 

“I should have woken up when I first heard you coughing hyung…”

 

Hoseok, Hyungwon, and Changkyun continued to speak over one another; the youngest and oldest through thinly veiled tears.

 

“I’m fine,” Kihyun tried to wave them off, but speaking only resulted in more coughing.

 

Jooheon quickly folded the shirt and placed the clean side over the struggling member’s mouth. “Minhyuk-hyung, can you hand me that glass of water you brought?” he kept one hand in place, under Kihyun’s own smaller palm, and reached out to the other. Apparently, the current situation had silenced the other four standing members in the crowded room. The only sound, besides the coughing and harsh breathing, was Hyunwoo’s unusually high voice filtering in from the living room. “Just try to breathe Hyungie.” Jooheon balanced the cup against his legs and brought the now free hand to rub up and down against his small hyung’s side. Then helped ease him back up against the wall.

 

“Our manager is already at his family’s house outside Seoul. He said we should call a cab or an ambulance if we needed to,” Hyunwoo’s statement startled all but the two on the bed. The eldest’s face was stoic, brows furrowed slightly, “Guys, why don’t you all head out into the living room?” When no one seemed to acknowledge the loosely veiled command, Hyunwoo gently grabbed Hoseok and pulled him towards the door. Once he complied, the leader’s hands found Minhyuk. He pulled the frightened member, squeezing his grip gently, and led Minhyuk to the door as well. Hyunwoo then reached for Hyungwon, who dodged behind the maknae. With a sigh, the leader grabbed the youngest by the shoulders. He hoped he offered enough reassurance to Changkyun, before directing him towards the door; into Hoseok and Minhyuk’s waiting grasp.

 

“Drink slowly.” Jooheon’s voice was punctuated by the sound of the door clicking shut.

 

Hyunwoo turned around from closing the door and was greeted with the sight of Hyungwon already halfway up the short ladder. The eldest sighed and walked forward stopping once he stood in front of the others.

 

“Is that better?” Jooheon spoke again, shifting closer to Kihyun as Hyungwon crawled fully onto the bed, sitting close to the other two occupants. The rapper folded the shirt once more and cleaned off the remaining blood.

 

The orange haired boy held his breath for a moment, then nodded, “It’s fine,” pausing when his voice cracked.

 

“It’s not fine!” Hyungwon’s voice was edged with terror.

 

Hyunwoo reached up and placed a hand on Kihyun’s thigh, “I think we should take you to the hospital.”

 

Kihyun shook his head slowly, but he didn’t shy away from the touch. Jooheon had set the damp shit down on the railing and then had brought the vocalist into his side tightly. Kihyun lifted his gaze to meet the eldest, seeing Hyungwon’s pinched face in his peripheral, and spoke quietly as to prevent another coughing fit, “It’s not as bad as it looks.”

 

Hyunwoo’s eyes narrowed slightly, Jooheon’s grip tightened, but it was Hyungwon who spoke. “Like fucking hell it’s…” the idol known for his appearance dipped his voice low, keeping the panic at bay, “We wake up to you basically drowning in your own blood and it’s ‘not as bad as it looks?’” Despite his best efforts, his voice shook at the end.

 

Kihyun responded with a sigh and his body tensed lightly with a desire to cough, once the feeling disappeared he took a breath to speak again. However, the small singer noticed that the arms that clung to him had begun to shake.

 

Jooheon had taken charge, pushed aside any fear or anxiety that had arisen from being awoken by his younger brother only to see one of his hyungs literally coughing up blood, and just worked on instinct. However, the pure adrenaline that fueled those decisions faded with each breath the orange haired boy took. Now the blonde rapper was struggling to hold it all together.

 

“Jooheon-ah,” Kihyun shifted, careful not to dislodge Hyunwoo’s hand – which still gripped onto his leg – and pulled Jooheon closer. He was surprised by the younger’s reaction, “Honestly, I’m alright.”

 

“You coughed up fucking blood!” Hyungwon shouted.

 

Kihyun’s wide eyes flashed upward, startled.

 

Then Jooheon began to cry.    

 

Kihyun’s grip on the rapper didn’t falter, despite the obvious concern, “Yeah, but…” his raspy voice broke off.

 

Hyunwoo had been observing. To be frank, when Minhyuk had thrown the bedroom door open – splashing water from the cup that he clutched – frantically screaming about Kihyun and blood, Hyunwoo wasn’t too sure what was actually happening. Hoseok, of course, sat up instantly and asked for clarification.

 

_“I don’t know! Kihyunie…Kihyun was just coughing up blood! He just…”_ Apparently, that had been more than enough information to wake up the normally lazy Hyungwon since he was out of bed – having neglected to use the ladder – before Minhyuk’s voice dissipated.

 

_“I’ll call our manager.”_ Hyunwoo heard himself say, though the others were already gone.

 

The leader had remained calm maintaining his composure as he ushered the members out of the room – silently hoping that the older ones would look after their youngest – as he tried to understand the situation. Seeing the blood, seeing the blood on Kihyun, Hyunwoo was certain the singer needed to be seen by a doctor, but hearing the younger boy dismiss it brought on even deeper concerns.

 

“I mean,” Kihyun stifled another cough, bringing his right hand away from Jooheon – who released his hold reluctantly – to massage his neck gently before continuing in a quieter tone. “It’s normally not this bad, but really I’ll be fine.”

 

The room stilled; silent. Even Jooheon who had been struggling to contain his sobs became suddenly muted at the elder’s admission.

 

Hyunwoo removed his hold on Kihyun and backed a step away from the bed. “I’m…” He took a deep breath and ran his shaky hand through his unbrushed hair, “I’m going to call a cab.”

 

“Wait, Hyung!” The exclamation didn’t bring about another coughing fit, which was what the vocalist feared might occur the second the sound started to rip through his lips. The sudden movement, reaching out towards his leader in an attempt to stop him, however, resulted in something he didn’t expect. Kihyun felt his stomach clench in revolt, an unwelcome blossom of nausea ran through it. He felt himself jerk out of Jooheon’s tight grip and toward his soiled pillow before the first heave took over his body.

 

Hyungwon shouted something indiscernible alongside Jooheon’s cry of dismay, as the tall boy followed the small singer’s movements causing the bunk to rock dangerously for a moment. Hyungwon’s hands came to rest on Kihyun’s back just as the smaller boy recoiled in pain.

 

The vocalist’s eyes clamped tight as he felt the bile scald and eat away at the interior of his throat. Tears seeped out from his closed eyes and he could feel his whole body shake, but his mind was focused on the intense white pain that boiled through him.

 

“Oh god…”

 

“Hyung?”  


“I’m calling an ambulance.”

 

Kihyun regained enough sense to hear Hyunwoo’s declaration and shakily waved it off, “no.” The word was raspy and tight, forced through a curtain of pain.

 

“There’s blood Kihyun…hyung there’s blood.” Jooheon’s watery voice pleaded.  

 

Kihyun forced his eyes open and looked down at the foamy red mess beneath him.

 

“Hoseok, keep Changkyun out of here!” Hyunwoo barked.

 

The youngest had managed to worm his way back into the room after hearing the shouting, he had been followed closely by Minhyuk. In trying to prevent the two from getting too far into the room Hyunwoo’s phone had clattered to the floor and disappeared under the bed.

 

The leader’s request went unanswered as Changkyun fought his way through, paling at the sight of Kihyun’s bloody vomit.

 

“Hyung… Are you done?” Hyungwon asked, his hands still running up and down the other’s back, as he ignored the pandemonium that filled the room around them. The older boy nodded, and Hyungwon pulled him slowly back into a seated position carefully keeping his arms wrapped around the smaller’s chest as he pulled him back. “Jooheonie, where is that shirt you were using earlier?”

 

The blonde rapper sputtered something and handed over the previously discarded material, before allowing himself to be coaxed down off the bed by Hyunwoo.

 

Kihyun was aware of the light, yet incessant, conversation that was occurring around him, but remained focused on breathing and Hyungwon. Who, without moving the smaller boy, had managed to clean whatever disgusting acid blood mixture that had splattered onto his face, off.

 

“Hyung, let’s get you down off the bunk, okay?” Hyungwon’s voice seemed somewhat foreign to Kihyun, who was used to it being filled with teasing smiles and endless complaints, but the orange haired boy felt himself nod nonetheless.

 

Glancing up, the singer noticed that only Hyunwoo and Hyungwon remained in the room. Their leader was standing motionless next to the ladder, obviously waiting to help Kihyun down.

 

Hyungwon gracefully maneuvered around Kihyun, avoiding the mess near the head of the bed, and let himself slide off the edge so that he was standing on the lower bunk. “Come on,” he gripped the orange haired member’s shoulder slowly pushing him toward the ladder.

 

Feeling both mortified and comforted, Kihyun crawled slowly towards it.

 

“Easy,” Hyunwoo offered his hand for the other.

 

Kihyun wanted to respond with ‘I’m fine’ or ‘really it isn’t that big of a deal,’ but didn’t trust himself. So with slight reluctance, he took the leader’s hand and eased his way off the bunk bed.

 

Once on the ground, Hyungwon grabbed the smaller by the elbow and Hyunwoo secured his arm around the vocalist’s back. Kihyun shifted uncomfortably and attempted to dislodge the two, but Hyungwon’s response was to only tighten his hold.

 

“Let us help you, Kihyun,” Hyunwoo muttered close to the vocalist’s ear.

 

“I’m fi…”

 

“Stop.” Hyunwoo’s word easily overtook the raspy sound of the younger, “you are going to the hospital. No discussion…”

 

Kihyun looked up at their leader and opened his mouth, intent on responding, when a phone began to ring from below them.

 

“Don’t talk,” Hyunwoo looked directly at Kihyun as he spoke. He held the younger for a second longer before releasing his hold and bending down to retrieve his phone which had fallen in the chaos earlier. “Hyungwon, take Ki out into the living room.”

 

“Yes, Hyung,” the slender member slid his arms around the other’s torso, “come on Kihyunie-hyung.”

 

Together, they opened the door – revealing four pale and eager members – and made their way into the living room; Hyunwoo’s voice tapering off behind them.

 

Hyungwon placed the vocalist on the empty couch, standing somewhat awkwardly uncertain of what to do next. Behind him, the four other members seemed equally unsure.

 

“I’m fine,” Kihyun repeated for what felt like the thousandth time since waking up. However, no sooner did the words left his mouth then did he have to fight off another cough against his hand. Even before his chest relaxed fully, a soft body collided with his and a tuff of black hair caressed his exposed neck. Fleetingly, Kihyun worried that the youngest was rubbing his face into the vocalist’s likely dirty nightshirt, but when Kihyun’s hands went to remove the body Changkyun’s grip only fastened itself behind the smaller’s back. Their maknae may not have always acted like the youngest, but no one could deny his unending love for his hyungs.

 

“Here’s some water Ki-ah,” Minhyuk pressed a cup to his friend’s lips, even as Kihyun brought his own hand to take it. The slightly older boy looked stricken, yet calm, as he slowly tipped some of the contents into the other’s mouth. “Is that alright, or do you want some more?” he asked removing the cup.

 

“It’s fine,” the vocalist’s words were punctuated by the other rapper leaning cautiously onto Kihyun’s other side. Jooheon was careful to neither dislodge the maknae nor jostle his injured friend. Kihyun sighed quietly, though he made no move to move either of the rappers.

 

“You sure?” Hoseok questioned from behind Minhyuk, slowly releasing his hold on Hyungwon who had been tucked into his muscular side. “Are you going to be sick again?”

 

Kihyun paused at the question, resigning himself to respond to this – and the inevitable ones to follow – honestly. He never intentionally lie to his members, they were his family, but he wasn’t sure he wanted them to know the cost he paid. The price was one he had long since accepted and silently paid without much complaint.

 

“Hyung?” Jooheon questioned.

 

“I…” Kihyun paused, lowering his voice to lessen the strain, “No, that was just a fluke.” The rappers’ tightening grip was question enough, though the vocalist did not elaborate.

 

“You threw up blood. That’s not a ‘fluke,’ that’s serious.” The tall man’s lips quivered and he pressed them tightly together to stop the movement. “Are you going to be sick again? We need to know so that the person that goes with you to the hospital can be prepared.”

 

“I…” Kihyun shifted against the members at his sides as he looked up at Hyunwoo as he entered the room. “I only got sick because I rushed to bed last night.” The orange haired boy attempted to clarify.

 

“Our manager was worried. He called to say that he already left his family’s house and was on his way. He will be here within the hour.” Their leader glanced at all the members, then let his eyes settle on Kihyun. “If you’re alright with waiting, he said he’ll take you to the hospital once he gets here. But, says that if we need to – if you need to go now, or can’t wait – we are to call an ambulance.” He waited for the younger boy to nod before continuing, “Now, do we need to call an ambulance?” The vocalist shook his head. “Ok. If you are sick again I won’t ask.”

 

“I won’t get sick again. I was only sick because I rushed going to sleep last night,” in mild frustration Kihyun’s voice increased in volume leading to it cracking painfully toward the end.

 

“What do you mean by that?” Hoseok pushed back gently.

 

Kihyun allowed his body to deflate a bit, sinking into the younger members who still clung to his sides. “I was ill because of the blood. I should have waited until it stopped hurting last night…” his voice was quiet almost ashamed. Though, Kihyun wasn’t sure if the shame was due to his failure to prevent the other’s unneeded worry, or if it was from his failure to acknowledge the issue and handle it accordingly last night.

 

“How do you know that?” Hyungwon’s question felt loaded.

 

Kihyun was a creature of habit – despite how overused that phrase might be. He liked order, needed it sometimes. That’s why he cleaned, why he cooked, why he organized things. Lack of control. Lack of control is where the vocalist found most of his stress and anxiety. Over the years, he had cultivated workarounds. Most notably being practice; perfection. Practice leads to perfection. At the end of No.Mercy he was ranked third. Third out of seven, and while he held no animosity towards Hyunwoo or Jooheon, Kihyun knew he could do better. Kihyun could control his dedication, his diligence, his determination. Having a byproduct of his need for perfection placed so glaringly out in the open – placed unguarded in the line of fire terrified him. There was misguided pride that shown through each speck of crimson; proof of his commitment and improvement. Anxiety started to fester at the thought of his member’s judgment, but there was no veil, no blanket to use, steeling himself as best he could, Kihyun hoped they’d understand.

 

“This isn’t the first time this has happened…” the vocalist could feel the two rappers jolt at his quiet words, he felt Changkyun’s head lift and his gaze raise, and Kihyun felt Jooheon pull away and his hands unwrap. The vocalist also felt his heart beat spike in anxiety causing his hasty explanation, “It’s fine. It’s just what happens. I should have anticipated it better.” Kihyun wasn’t looking at the others, his gaze locked on his own hands resting in his lap, “Prepared, you know? Made sure I gave myself enough time last night. Or been more active in asking whether or not something might need to be recorded.” In his mounting nervousness, his voice began to grow louder.

 

The members nearest attempted to gain his attention, but Kihyun just plunged forth with his justification.

 

“Normally it happens and I just pull back for a day or so and then that’s that. I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting to have to record last night. I,” air caught and the vocalist fought to subdue yet another cough from tearing apart his throat, he folded his body in half in the process. A few strangled coughs escape despite his efforts and force their way through his lips accompanied by the familiar coppery liquid. Still folded forward Kihyun apologized again, words muttered through his hands.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and love. Every time I see them it makes my day!! I often read them while commuting home from work and it always energizes me <3 Sorry for the wordy chapter - Hyunwoo is a thinker...XD One more to go <3

The hospital waiting room was not crowded, but it was full. An elderly couple sitting in the corner, one connected to a small oxygen tank, hands clasped; parents soothing their infant as he cried; a few restless children constantly being reprimanded by their mother’s as they attempted to climb over the chairs; the occasional nurse or doctor running back and forth; the receptionist constantly shifting between answering phone calls and dealing with new patients.

 

Hyunwoo sat by himself, their manager being unable to wait and having to leave for his sister’s wedding, hidden slightly behind the foldable wall used for celebrities when they visit. Kihyun’s heartbreaking confessions still at the forefront of his mind. All the members had been stunned when their vocalist admitted he’d had this happen before. Equally disheartened by the knowledge they had neither noticed nor been told. For Hyunwoo, however, the worst had been the younger’s apologies.

 

Kihyun placed himself on a different plain than the others; he had done this as long as Hyunwoo had known him. Changkyun could trip and roll his ankle, and instantly Kihyun would be there. He’d sit the youngest down, he’d offer ice, a piggyback ride, and he’d tell the maknae to go rest. Yet, when Kihyun would fall and hurt himself he would simply ignore it, brushing the pain aside with a laugh and fight against a limp for the remainder of practice without complaint. When Hyungwon had been too sick to perform with them, Kihyun would constantly reassure the slightly younger member; calling, texting, mentioning. Not wanting him to feel rushed in his recovery. But, when Kihyun’s body struggled against the flu he’d silently take medicine and continue to work; quiet and dedicated. Refusing, once caught, to stop and recover. On days when Minhyuk or Jooheon struggled with self-esteem or self-worth; questioning their place or talent. The vocalist would always step forward. Calming his hyung, reminding him of their promise to debut together and praising his talent for humor. He’d complement their rapper, offer to go on a walk with him, to go to a café together, or Kihyun would ask the younger’s advice on a new composition that only Jooheon could help with. However, when fans criticized the short vocalist for his numerous lines or appearance and he’d start to question his place, Kihyun would take the comments to heart. Despite the other members trying to dissuade him, their vocalist would work harder. ‘They’re entitled to their opinions. I just need to get better for them.’ No amount of praise or concern could alter his mindset. When Hoseok would fret or worry when sadness would take over and he needed comfort, Kihyun was always the first one there – soothing and reassuring, a constant loving presence. They’d sit or eat together; laugh, cry, sing. Whatever the elder needed. However, Kihyun never sought comfort. Quiet and stoic in those moments, he would push personal troubles aside in favor of working for the others.

 

Hyunwoo’s phone vibrated within his hand, pulling his focus. Minhyuk had been messaging their leader every few minutes since he and Kihyun had left with their manager; even more so after hearing that their manager had to leave the leader alone. _– Any news? –_

 

Hyunwoo looked up towards the door leading to the examination rooms where Kihyun had entered, alone despite his leader’s request, over an hour ago. Sighing in minor frustration, Hyunwoo typed out _– no, not yet –_ then waited for the reply that he knew was bound to come.

 

Less than a minute later Minhyuk responded _–Don’t tell Kihyunie, but we already cleaned his sheets and stuff –_ The ailing boy had been insistent that they leave his mess for him to clean up once he returned. _– Hyungwon took Changie out to get Ki a new pillow. Wonie said they’d stop by the market and get some food for Ki too. So if you know any specifics message him. Otherwise, Wonie said he was planning on getting mostly soft bland stuff. He thinks that will probably bother Ki the least. –_

 

Hyunwoo chose not to respond. Sometimes he wondered how he and the others had managed to find each other. Placing his phone down on the chair next to him, the leader’s gaze returned to the door.

 

Hyunwoo knew sometimes he placed too much responsibility on his plate, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was at least a piece of the problem at hand. At first, he and Kihyun had been so awkward, so different, that Hyunwoo actually remembers lying in bed one night during No.Mercy and hoping that the younger boy didn’t debut with him. Of course, that thought was short-lived; Kihyun’s personality and talent made him a needed component. At times, especially during the last few hours, Hyunwoo wondered if he had ever told the vocalist that.

 

He takes it for granted, Hyunwoo knows this, and he tries to change it, but it’s hard. Soon after they’d debuted, Hyunwoo had felt so beyond stressed – he was happy, of course – but the level of responsibility was so great. He remembers a fan questioning him on whether or not he cared for his members. And although the leader can’t remember his response, he does remember that she commented on his robot personality before moving on to the next person.

 

The oldest didn’t realize it had bothered him, until hours later after practice when Kihyun pulled him aside. Kihyun, the member that Hyunwoo was least connected to at the time, grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to the corner; concerned. The vocalist, somehow, got his leader to talk about everything; the comments, the stress, even how he felt bad about once wishing Kihyun didn’t debut alongside him.

 

_“That’s to be expected Hyung,” the younger had said with a soft smile, “I can be very annoying.” He added pushing the taller lightly. “But, really, don’t worry about that.” Kihyun squeezed his leader’s arm gently, “as for the robot thing – give it time. Huh? The more they get to know you the more they’ll see you. Think of it as a term of endearment.”_

They had been beaconed by their manager only moments later and Hyunwoo regretted never being able to thank the younger boy. Not that the shorter would have accepted it. Kihyun never intended to be thanked – he genuinely just liked giving. 

 

The vocalist never came to the leader, not for personal advice or concerns. Occasionally, he might bring up group worries; how Hoseok was working too hard; how Minhyuk looked depressed; worries that Changkyun might still feel slightly left out. Kihyun was too intuitive and too caring at times. All the members had found the vocalist’s roll in Dramarama almost too fitting, a thought further confirmed by current events, that the idea of Kihyun’s self-sacrifice was believable in any context.

 

“Son Hyunwoo-shii?” An older woman, her long hair pulled back in a tight clean bun and her eyes hidden partially behind coke-bottle glasses, spoke. “You’re waiting for Yoo Kihyun-shii, correct?”

 

“Uh, yes.” Grabbing his phone, Hyunwoo stood up gradually. “Is he alright?”

 

The woman adjusted her glasses, “The doctor, Dr. Lee, will explain everything. I’m just here to bring you back to the exam room.” Though her voice was clipped she smiled up at Hyunwoo kindly, “follow me, sir.”

 

It was a short walk back to exam room 313, the nurse knocked once before opening the door. “Dr. Lee.” The woman ushered Hyunwoo into the room, before quietly exiting just as quickly.

 

“Ah, yes Hyunwoo-shii. Please come take a seat.” Dr. Lee pulled out a chair and placed it next to the examination table on with Kihyun sat.

 

Hyunwoo bowed politely to the older man before sitting. The leader glanced towards his friend. Kihyun was sitting cross-legged on the table, an IV attached to his right arm and a bag of liquid, half drained, was hanging over the orange haired boy’s shoulder. He seemed defeated to Hyunwoo.

 

“So, I brought you back here, Hyunwoo-shii, so that you could help Kihyun-shii remember my instructions.” The older man smiled.

 

Hyunwoo nodded, shifting his gaze away from his member – not missing the orange haired boy shift uncomfortably – back to the doctor.

 

“We dyed his throat and used a small camera to get a clearer view of the injury. I’ve seen a few singers overwork themselves over the years, but your friend Kihyun has done an unusual amount of damage.” Dr. Lee said in a matter-of-fact manner, taking a seat facing them.

 

“But, he’ll be alright?” Hyunwoo felt Kihyun shift again and glanced over when he heard the younger boy hiss in pain.

 

“Kihyun-shii, I’ve warned you twice already. Keep that hand still.” The old man raised an eyebrow at his patient. “He should be fine, as long as he actually gives it time to heal.” The pointed remark was directed at Kihyun who recoiled lightly before the doctor shifted his gaze back to Hyunwoo. “Once that drip is finished, he’ll be free to go. When we dyed his throat and used the camera, he vomited again and was slightly dehydrated.” He added at Hyunwoo’s concerned appearance.

 

“Was it…bloody, again?” Hyunwoo felt Kihyun shift again, this time accompanied by a small hand landing on his shoulder and squeezing gently. Hyunwoo saw the vocalist shake his head at a glance.

 

“I imagine that was a rather frightening experience for you and your friends. But no, this was just a gag reflex reaction as well lowered the camera.”

 

The leader nodded silently.

 

“As for recovery, I’ve already told Kihyun-shii, but given the scar tissue surrounding the injury, I felt it best to bring in some backup. Limited talking, no talking if it hurts or causes coughing – this includes singing of course.

 

Hyunwoo tried to focus his attention on the doctor, but his mind kept circulating the words ‘scar tissue’ in some obsessive cycle.

 

“At least for the next couple of days – throat tissues heal fast. Meals should be liquid and bland for at least the next forty-eight hours. Low sodium preferably, but high in calorie. At Kihyun’s stature, his current weight is wavering between acceptable low and slightly underweight. After a couple days soft bland food, such as rice, should be fine. However, if it starts to bleed again go back to liquids. Understood?”

 

“It’s fine,” Hyunwoo heard his friend whisper next to him, clearly responding to the way the leader’s shoulders tensed under his small hand.

 

Hyunwoo sighed, an exasperated troubled sigh, “I understand doctor. We’ll take care of him.”

 

Dr. Lee dismissed himself, “The nurse will be back in a bit to check the IV and get Kihyun checked out.” Before leaving the two idols alone.

 

The new silence clearly affected Kihyun more than the leader, because they’d been by themselves for two minutes when he spoke, quiet and slow, “It’s just the back of my throat. He checked my vocal cords and stuff. Everything else is fine. In fact, the area itself isn’t even that swollen.”

 

Hyunwoo sighed again and stood, “Just stop. Please.” The older member brought out his phone to text the others. Feeling the questioning gaze, he offhandedly commented, “Updating the others and letting Hyungwon know that to get at the store.”

 

“I can just cook whatever is already in the dorms, Hyung. He doesn’t need to go buy anything new.”

 

Hyunwoo sent the message before looking toward the vocalist. The younger was always physically small. He could, however, seem giant. Kihyun could tower over them; in strength, in compassion, in the raw power he presented on stage. Currently, he was smaller than ever. Curled inward slightly, like a child waiting for punishment. This Kihyun was a rare sight, seeing him truly vulnerable. So rare that Hyunwoo wasn’t sure he’s ever actually seen his friend this way before. Kihyun had never been in actual danger of being cast off of No.Mercy; his tears there were never fragile. Even the few times he has cried since debut have always been uplifting tears; happiness, relief, friendship.

 

Hyunwoo continued to watch, unsure of exactly what to say or how to proceed. Eventually, he found his words again, “Hyungwon volunteered, Kihyun. We want to help.”

 

A knock on the door drew their attention, the nurse from earlier entered, bowing lightly. She handed a paper bag to Hyunwoo, “Kihyun-shii’s medications. Nothing too extreme. A cough suppressing spray and well as a mouthwash to keep the area as clean as possible.” She spoke as she began checking the now empty bag of saline that was attached to the younger. “Hold still for a second dear.” With a smooth motion, she pulled the needle from Kihyun’s skin and Hyunwoo watched as a single bead of blood formed in its place before she covered it with a bandage. The nurse then pulled a clipboard out from the large pocket, “alright, you’re good to go. I’ve got everything sighed out for you already, just sign here. Do take care. While, and you didn’t hear me say this understand, Dr. Lee might love to see you again I think we’d rather you stay clear of the hospital. His granddaughter is a massive fan.” She slyly added, “Or so he says, she’s six. He took her to your last concert. His ringtone is Shine Forever.” She winked at them, guiding them to the lobby.

The trip home was full of quiet thoughts and incessant worry   


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love. I hope this is a fitting end to the story <3 <3 <3 (I think I caught most of the typos etc. but I had to write on three different platforms this week - I'm sorry if I missed any)

 

Their manager had arrived less than forty minutes after getting off the phone with Hyunwoo; a testament to the level of his own concern. The older man began ushering Kihyun and Hyunwoo immediately, setting everyone into motion.

 

Three of the five members watched in relative silence, the two rappers still frozen on the couch where the vocalist had left them.

 

Kihyun spoke to the room as he slipped into his shoes, “everything will be fine. And leave my mess. I’ll clean it up once I get back. You shouldn’t have to clean up after me.” his voice was raspier than it had been, likely due to his earlier tears.

 

“Keep us updated Hyung,” Minhyuk called out as the door closed.

 

The silence continued for a few more minutes, eventually, Hoseok released Hyungwon and spoke, ”So what do we do now?”

 

Minhyuk tore his eyes away from the door and looked back to the others. Changkyun and Jooheon still sat unmoving, but their pink haired member stepped forward towards the center of the room. “I’m going to go to the store and get a new pillow for Kihyunie. Maybe pick up some food for him too. You know, something easy to eat? I’ll bet we’re out of most of that type of food…no one has been sick for a while” he paused for a beat, “Changkyun? You know that kitchen almost as well as Kihyun-hyung, come help me look.”

 

The request did as intended. Changkyun’s eyes snapped up, processing before he too snapped to his feet. “I think we are out of ingredients for porridge, we should get some when we're out.” He began already including himself in the future outing.

 

Hyungwon, Minhyuk, and Hoseok shared a soft smile as the pink haired boy followed the babbling maknae into the kitchen.

 

As the member’s voice dissipated, Minhyuk’s gaze fell back on the other blonde who still sat unmoving on the couch. “I’m going to clean up Ki’s bunk and do some laundry.” He spoke out loud hoping to catch Hoseok’s attention. When that failed he spoke again, “Hoseok-hyung.”

 

“What?” the elder blinked and looked towards Minhyuk, who in turn tilted his head towards Jooheon. Hoseok seemed to understand the unspoken message easily, as he swiftly walked over to the other rapper and sat down.

 

“I’m going to go get supplies,” Minhyuk announced unnecessarily as he walked off towards the kitchen.

 

“We should get strawberry yogurt too. Ki-hyung loves strawberries,” Changkyun’s voice echoed off the cabinet in front of him, greeting Minhyuk as he entered.

 

Hyungwon glanced over his shoulder, “I know they’ve only been gone a half hour or so, but have you messaged Hyung yet? Changie and I are going to go out pretty soon. We’ve got a list already, but if Hyung has a more specific list of things Ki-hyungie can eat we can get that too.”

 

“I sent him one, but I’ll keep pestering.” Closing the cabinet after retrieving two empty garbage bags, Minhyuk turned back towards them before leaving. “I’ll let him know. Make sure you both have your phones and masks when you go out.”  

 

“He’ll be okay, right? Like, it really doesn’t hurt that bad, right? It’s just really sore?” Minhyuk heard Jooheon’s soft questions each desperate for specific answers as he passed. The blonde vocalist closed his eyes and swiftly moved through the living room.

 

The bedroom was still dark from the drawn blinds, someone – likely Hyunwoo – seemed to have the clear-headedness to at least switch the light off. Minhyuk wasn’t sure what to expect; would everything have dried up in the last hour or would he be faced what he knew they all wished could have gone unseen. The blonde clicked the light on and walked to the window; opening both the blinds and the glass. He then placed the empty bag down and pulled his phone from his pocket.

 

Hyunwoo had responded, just to say they’d arrived and that their manager had left. The blonde nodded to himself, messaged a short-expected reply, then set a ten-minute timer on his phone vowing to message the leader again, and turned to the bed.

 

The scene looked worse in the bright morning light with red staining so much of Kihyun’s normally immaculate bed. Minhyuk felt his eyes burn at the thought of his friend thinking he couldn’t tell them about this deciding instead to suffer in silence.

 

Minhyuk will always remember the day he met Kihyun. The slightly younger boy, already so gifted and refined, effortlessly brought Minhyuk into his inner circle of friends; making sure that the newcomer knew everyone possible before leaving his side.

 

The older had been a trainee at Starship less than a week when Kihyun said he wanted them to debut together. It hadn’t been said to comfort or to fight off any yet to come insecurity, the shorter boy was simply stating a fact; effortless and honest. He had said it casually, just as their lunch break was ending and the two were returning to their respective training rooms.

 

_“I hope we debut together Minhyuk-ah.”_

 

That was the first time Minhyuk wondered if their ages had actually been reversed somehow; if Kihyun was actually nineteen days older than him. A feeling that had become so blanketing that Minhyuk no longer noticed it.

 

Until this morning. The blonde boy took another deep breath, glad that the breeze was covering whatever smell might be lingering in the bedroom, and crawled up the ladder to Kihyun’s bunk. The pillow was ruined, which they all knew, as were the sheets. Minhyuk wrapped the pillow, like rolling a sleeping bag, covering the mess entirely before seamlessly placing it in the garbage bag he’d brought. He tied the bag shut and lowered it down to the floor. Kihyun’s favorite blanket, a gift the rappers had bought him for his last birthday, was virtually untouched which caused Minhyuk to smile softly. Moving that item towards the ladder, he carefully looked at the other materials on the bed and, if salvageable, placed them with the blanket. Once the area was stripped, the blonde vocalist maneuvered back down the ladder and took the soiled things to the laundry room.

 

Minhyuk passed the maknae, who rushed by into the bedroom then back out again with a sweatshirt and his bag, and heard continued conversation fluttering in from the living room. The washer was empty, since Kihyun normally does laundry on Sundays, and the blonde vocalist quickly loaded and started the machine.

 

The few cleaning supplies that sat on the shelf to the right of the washer caught Minhyuk’s attention. He grabbed the cleaning wipes and left the laundry area.

 

”Do you need any help Hyung!” Jooheon’s voice, still slightly rough though no longer wet, asked as the blonde vocalist passed by the living room again. Both the other members were still sitting on the couch.

 

“I got the laundry going,” he brought his hands up to flash the wipes. “Just need to clean off the wall and I think it will be all finished in there.” A phone alarm brought the three’s attention away from the conversation, ”that’s my ’message Hyunwoo-hyung’ alarm. I'll keep everyone updated.” he flashed a smile as he continued on his way.

 

The blonde vocalist placed the cleaning supplies down and silenced his alarm in one effortless motion. He typed out a message of inquiry, then put the phone back down grabbed the cleaning supplies again and climbed back up the ladder.

 

The wall and exposed pieces of bed frame were left. Minhyuk paused again. “Oh, Kihyun…”

 

***

 

When Hoseok followed the younger’s gaze to the couch he understood the unsaid request. Both of their youngest had become silent after Kihyun’s tearful admission. While Changkyun was always desperate to please them, and often willing to go above and beyond to do so, Jooheon didn’t suffer from that kind of complex; he’d always been accepted and had no lingering fears or doubts. However, Jooheon was arguably the most tender-hearted member. He felt too much and too strongly. For him to have stepped in and taken care of Kihyun, Hoseok knew he must be suffering.

 

In Hoseok’s view, Jooheon and Kihyun had the most dynamic relationship among the members. It was crafted on so many different levels; from mutual admiration and respect to deep seeded faith and brotherhood.

 

Hoseok sealed his own emotions away as best he could and walked to the stationary member. “You okay, Jooheonie?” The elder pressed gently into the rapper’s side as he sat down.

 

Slowly, Jooheon turned his head to face his hyung. “What? Yeah, I’m alright…I was always alright.” There was a quiet edge to his voice that indicated ‘alright’ was probably not the best description of his current state.

 

Hoseok pressed again, “That must have been scary, ‘Heonie. But you did a really great job of taking care of Kihyun, you know? Better than I’d of done for sure.”

 

“Clearly I haven’t…” the blonde muttered under his breath. There was a break in the conversation, eventually, Jooheon spoke again, “I wish I could just say, ‘He’ll be okay, right? Like, it really doesn’t hurt that bad, right? It’s just really sore?’ And that you’d give me an answer that doesn’t make me feel like a horribly oblivious friend…” his pleading tone cause Hoseok to pull him into a tight hug.

 

The elder now curled against the rapper’s side, placing Jooheon in the reversed position he’d been in with Kihyun earlier. “You’re no more ‘horrible’ than the rest of us ‘Heonie. Kihyun’s always believed his place is to hold the world up for others, you not noticing it just shows how good he is at hiding.”

 

“But I spend so much time with him Hyung...we go to church together, we work on music together too sometimes.” The blonde took a deep breath, “I’ll look harder from now on.”

 

“We all will ‘Heonie. We all will.”

 

***

 

The taxi ride had been quiet, the drive recognized both of the Monsta X members but he was nice enough to not pester either as he drove them back towards the dorms.

 

The driver spoke to them once, as they finally pulled to a stop, “I hope neither of you is too sick or injured.” He looked at them in the rearview mirror, “My twin girls are giant fans, and I’d hate for them to read somewhere that something happened to either of you.”

 

Hyunwoo hadn’t realized he was tense until he felt Kihyun’s hand pat him on the shoulder; the elder often felt uncomfortable when confronted with their celebrity off stage.

 

Kihyun, however, handled it with ease, “No we’re fine. Just had to get some busters before our next concert set.” Hyunwoo marveled at the younger’s ability to keep all pain out of his voice, “I shouldn’t be offering, but would you like us to take a picture for your daughters? We can’t sign anything, but I think a picture would be fine.”

 

“Really?” The older man seemed startled by the question, “That would be amazing. Here is my phone. Maybe once we get to your stop, we can get one of the three of us?” His ears turned pink, “I really loved your last concert…I didn’t want my girls going alone…so.”

 

“That’s very sweet of you.” Kihyun grabbed the phone as the man passed it back and pulled Hyunwoo close so they could get a picture; despite the current situation and lack of makeup, both idols thought the photo turned out rather well. When the car pulled to a full stop a few minutes later, the second picture was taken; the driver had placed himself between the two idols, smiling brightly.

 

“Thank you both so much. My girls are going to freak out.” The man waved calling out through the open window as he drove off, “I’ll be sure to catch your next performance.”

 

Hyunwoo watched as Kihyun bowed in thanks, following the youngers actions. “How do you do that Kihyun-ah?”

 

The orange haired boy hummed questioningly but did not speak and Hyunwoo realized that he had only done so earlier to appease the fan. The elder smiled kindly and threw his arm around the shorter boy dragging him to the building.

 

The door was opened for them before Hyunwoo had even managed to type in the second digit of their entrance code, “Kihyun-hyung! How are you feeling.” Jooheon grabbed onto the vocalist and pulled him through the open doorway.

 

“I just have to take it easy Jooheonie. I’m fine. Sorry for worrying you.”

 

“I just put some water in the kettle for tea,” Hoseok’s voice called out from the kitchen as Jooheon led the vocalist to the couch. “Hyungwon and Changkyun will be back pretty soon. They decided to pick up some premade food too so that no one had to cook.”

 

“Here you go Kihyunie!” Minhyuk charged into the room with a bright smile and Kihyun’s favorite blanket, now clean, fluttering behind him like a cape. “Here you go Kihyunie.” He repeated, the slightly older boy flung the blanket around him – hitting Hyunwoo in the face and causing him to recoil – and wrapped it tightly around Kihyun.

 

“Do you need anything else Hyung?” Jooheon asked from the left and Kihyun felt slightly overwhelmed.

 

“I need to go clean up my bed,” the orange haired boy muttered trying to unravel the blanket.

 

“I already cleaned it up Kihyunie.” Minhyuk’s smile fell marginally. “You get to just relax.”

 

“But I said,” Kihyun stood up anyway, pulling his arm away from Jooheon in the process.

 

“Kihyun,” Hyunwoo called as the vocalist passed going to his bedroom.

 

Kihyun didn’t understand why his anxiety spiked at hearing Minhyuk’s admission, he should have felt thankful or even relieved. Yet, knowing that the other had cleaned up his space – his vomit no less – made him feel extremely uncomfortable. He was the caretaker of the group, not Minhyuk, he was the one that was supposed to clean and cook.

 

“Ki, hey Kihyun.” The vocalist felt hands grab his shoulders gently. “Ki, look at me for a minute.” Minhyuk’s face filled the orange haired boy’s field of vision causing his eyes to focus; though the younger hadn’t noticed how clouded his vision had become. “It’s alright Ki. I did everything just like you would have.”

 

The vocalist stared unblinkingly, “but it was…”

 

Minhyuk frowned and moved Kihyun further into the room and sat him down on the bottom bunk, before turning and closing the door. “I wasn’t going to make you clean everything up after you got back from the hospital.” The elder began as he sat down next to the smaller member, “you wouldn’t have made me if our situations had been flipped so why should I have left it for you?” Kihyun was still quiet and Minhyuk continued, “I don’t know why you feel like have to stay quiet about these things Ki, but it really hurts us to think you’d rather deal with it alone instead of asking for help.”

 

The other November boy’s serious statement brought Kihyun back to reality. Not because he had processed the words, but because Minhyuk was only truly serious at times when he felt responsible. “It’s not your fault Min.”

 

Minhyuk sighed, “Then whose fault is it?”

 

“What? I mean, mine. I guess.”

 

Minhyuk shook his head lightly, “I think we might all be to blame this time Ki. Shush and listen.” The blonde placed his hand over the other’s mouth playfully, “You are our vocalist. You have always been good enough to be in Monsta X, and you don’t need to kill yourself to prove it. We should have tried harder when we thought you were overworking. We should have spoken up more. Everyone is to blame.”

 

Kihyun pulled his friend’s hand away, “I am just doing what’s required of me Min. That’s all. How are you at fault for that?”

 

“Kihyun, what makes you think practicing until your throat bleeds is required of you?” The blonde’s brows furrowed. “I have never worked so hard that my throat has bled. Neither has Hyunwoo-hyung, Hoseok-hyung, or Hyungwon, and neither have our rappers. Does that mean we aren’t trying hard enough?” Minhyuk knew the question was unfair, but he desperately wanted the other to understand the hypocrisy.

 

“No!” Kihyun’s voice cracked. “Of course not! Hyunwoo-hyung has too much stress already as our leader, he should never have to practice more than necessary considering all the other things he has to do. The same goes for Hoseok-hyung, Jooheonie, and Kkyunie! They spend so much time working on music already. If anything they need more sleep. And you and Hyungwon work so hard on all of your side projects! MCing whenever offered or trying to do more acting. I don’t want either of you to make yourself sick putting in more hours at the studio.” The orange haired member’s voice cracked a few more times.

 

Minhyuk placed his hand over his friend’s mouth once more, when he saw the other prepare for another rambled speech. “And what about you? Ki, you already have to put in more time than we do at the studio because you have harder vocal lines – you don’t need to put in additional practice on top of that. And,” he paused removing his hand once he was sure that Kihyun would remain silent, “if our activities outside of group performances count towards your reasons behind us not working harder, than what about all the things you do around the dorms? You cook and clean because you like to help people; you take care of us because that is who you are. I don’t know why you seem to think that those things have become part of your job, but Kihyun you have always been that way. You always have taken care of people.”

 

“No, I haven’t…”

 

“Yes, you have.”

 

“I didn’t do a good job of it when Changkyun joined No.Mercy,” Kihyun’s tone was soft and regretful; colored the same way all the members spoke of Changkyun’s first few days within the dorm.

 

“That’s not entirely true either Kihyun. You tried. Which is more than I did at first.” Minhyuk sighed, “Regardless, you are a caregiver. But that does not mean others can’t care for you too. Okay?” seeing the orange hair bob up and down, Minhyuk continued, “Do you feel better now?”

 

Kihyun took a deep breath and nodded.

 

“Good! Now, I thought I heard the other’s return home. It has been decided that we are all going to curl up on the couch and watch the sappiest historical drama in existence, and you are going to say nothing until tomorrow.” Without waiting for a reply, Minhyuk grabbed Kihyun by the hand and began to lead him back to the living room.

 

Hyungwon and Changkyun had clearly returned, as the dorm was filled with the smell of delicious food causing Kihyun’s stomach to rumble.

 

On queue, Hyungwon appeared beside them as they entered the main room. “Ki-hyungie, Changie and I thought you’d probably be starving so we got you this strawberry smoothie.” Without waiting for a response, the taller boy placed the straw against Kihyun’s lips and allowed the shorter boy to take the large cup from his hands. “I hope the cold feels alright on your throat. If it bothers it, we have a couple types of soup in the kitchen too.”

 

Kihyun made a thankful hum, hoping to get the point across, and mouthed the word ‘thanks.’ The three of them wandered to the couch, wear Minhyuk immediately again covered Kihyun in the previously discarded blanket.

 

The next member to reappear was Changkyun, who smiled when he noticed Kihyun was back in the living room. “Hyung. Don’t move.” The maknae placed his bowl of food down on the ground near the edge of the couch before running back into the kitchen.

 

Seconds later, Jooheon raced out of that same room. Shoving his way onto the couch, “I call a spot on the couch!”

 

“Yah! Hyung and I should get spots!” Hoseok’s voice called back.

 

Changkyun walked back out of the kitchen and straight to the couch. “Hyungwon-hyung and I thought this was a…” he paused, smirking, “good ‘feel better soon’ present.” The youngest pulled a medium sized stuffed shark out from behind his back. The plushie was cartoonish, pale blue, and had only three teeth with a binkie stitched into its mouth; it was a baby shark.

 

Kihyun allowed himself to laugh soundlessly; maybe Minhyuk was right. Caring for others didn’t mean others couldn’t care for you, and while they might tease and complain he was silly to think they actually _hated_ him; no more than he hated them on occasion anyway.     

 

The other members filtered back into the living room with plates and bowl full of assorted food; Jooheon did give his seat up to his hyungs.

 

Before shutting the lights off Hyunwoo’s eyes locked with Kihyun’s passing a message to the younger, _the conversation isn’t over, but for now, let’s just enjoy the night_. Then the leader shut the lights off and went and joined the others.

 

All the food was consumed and cleaned before the seven were able to agree on a drama to watch and Hoseok was in tears before the first episode ended; as to be expected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if this chapter doesn't hold up to the others, I had computer problems - it died - and just general craziness this week. I do hope you enjoyed reading! As always thanks for comments and kudos, they truly mean a great deal.
> 
> Also, I do have a couple MV inspired MX fics planned in the future - though it might be a couple weeks - if anyone is interested. Have a great weekend <3

**Author's Note:**

> Random inspiration, what can I say. This will likely be no more than four chapters. I plan on updating weekly (more often if possible, but life is busy).
> 
> I hope someone enjoyed, let me know if you did <3 Thanks for reading <3
> 
> ~to the -.000001% waiting for my Derry fic...it is coming just slowly <3


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